I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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