i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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