Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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