I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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