Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
