don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
