So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
