Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am naked and annoyed.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
