I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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