This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
