omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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