Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Your penis caused this!
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