i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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