So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize