remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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