Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
