apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dicks are not precious.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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