i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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