before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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