the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
