and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
