he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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