Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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