so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
