if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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