Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
