Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He has the fingertips of a God
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
