I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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