Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
