I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize