he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
