Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Help. Why am I so naked?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
