party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
