I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
zippers are such a cool invention
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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