I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
