New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
