You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
