I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
