I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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