note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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