just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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