Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
