The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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