I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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