So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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