whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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