I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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