Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
