so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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