I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
