using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize