Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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