My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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