allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
