My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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