You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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