I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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