I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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